Life among the Dead/Alive: HorrorHound Weekend, 2010

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Appropriately enough, the most terrifying thing to happen during the last weekend of March – a weekend I spent among grim reapers, zombies, stilt-Nazis, and filmmakers – was driving through Gary, Indiana. NOBODY has made a fiction that is as frightening as Gary, Indiana.

The driver of our adventure took us through the hell that doubles as Chicago’s Toilet and Michael Jackson’s birthplace in his girlfriend’s Prius. The car was as out of place as a drag queen giving a lap dance to Toby Keith at a tractor pull. When I made the mistake of cracking a window, the outside air swooped inside our climate-controlled sanctuary, shat itself, and then died. The Gary-Air belied a greater desperation which seeped into every inch of the landscape. Thankfully, the safer pastures of Indianapolis awaited, and the ghouls of HorrorHound Weekend made us forget about the devastation – well, at least until we had to drive back home.

We were stuck in Gary for much longer than we had hoped, however, and as a result we didn’t arrive on Friday’s scene until the day’s events were almost over. We received our blue wristbands and stuck our toes into the pool, not stopping at any one exhibit until we hit the mask room, where I conducted the night’s only interview.

Of course my first interview of the weekend would be with a guy who made a movie called “Incest Death Squad!” There just wasn’t any way around this glaring appropriateness. As I followed my group into the mask room, where a vast array of horror-themed costumes greeted the spectators, I found myself at a booth manned by Cory Udler, the film’s director. Eager to get the word out, he handed me a copy of “Incest Death Squad” after the interview was over, autographing it with the tagline: “Incest is best!”


* * *

*Cory J. Udler – Filmmaker*


Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Cory J. Udler: My name is Cory Udler, and the reason I’m here is because I work for Full Moon Entertainment out of Hollywood, California. I come and schlep Angry Dolls and shit like that to fans at conventions, but I’m also here because I wrote and edited and directed “Incest Death Squad,” starring the lovely and talented, sexy Lloyd Kaufman of Troma fame.

SS: What is an Incest Death Squad?

Udler: That is a brother and sister duo who obviously love each other a lot, and kill tourists in the name of God.

SS: How does Kaufman fit in?

Udler: Lloyd is a newspaper editor who wants more stories about dead hookers, and he’s very upset that people haven’t gotten stories about dead hookers. They’re doing stories on spelling bees, but he wants more dead hookers, butchered in bathtubs.

SS: What about dead hookers in spelling bees?

Udler: You know I never thought about that, but Lloyd is here, so you should ask him if that’s acceptable!

SS: Did Lloyd go method for this role?

Udler: I think he did. I think he went totally method, and by method I mean he was on meth when he was doing it. But Lloyd is so funny, because he’s insane. He’s going nuts, and you think he’s going to burst a blood vessel in his head, but then afterwards he’s very nice and soft-spoken and very gentle and intelligent. It’s funny because it’s a big contrast. But I know that Lloyd likes dead hookers and crush porn and reach-arounds and all of these wonderful things, so he fit right in with “Incest Death Squad.”

SS: How did you get a hold of him?

Udler: How it went down was I had written the script for “Incest Death Squad” years and years ago, and I always said that this is a Troma movie, whether Troma produces it or I produce it myself. They had on the website a thing that said, “Lloyd’s looking for the next film script! Send it in!” So I sent him the script to “Incest Death Squad,” and I’m waiting, and a month later I get a phone call from Lloyd. He goes, “I love this script! It’s wonderful! It’s fantastic! We don’t have a billion dollars to produce whatever we want, but if you ever do it, good luck, keep in touch, and I’ll come and be in it for you.” That was the catalyst for me to make the movie, and he held true on his promise. We shot with him in Chicago a year ago.

SS: How easy was it to put the movie together?

Udler: For me it was easy, because I went to school for editing and videography. I had a vision in my head about how I wanted the movie to be, and I was in charge of everything. I wrote, directed, produced, and cast it, and then I got it done and edited the whole thing as I went along. We finished shooting in June and I had the entire post-production done by the middle of July.

SS: How much did you doing everything yourself affect the film’s cost?

Udler: That saved me a ton of money! Any independent filmmaker: learn to do as much as you can! You will save incredible amounts of money, and headache, too. I know a lot of guys who just want to do the vision and direct it, but then they need somebody to DP, and edit, and do sound design. All the technical stuff. It costs them a shitload of money and it takes forever to get it done. The budget for the movie was about $8,000 tops, and that included new equipment. To make the movie itself was about $2,500 to $3,000. No budget, and that’s because I did everything.

SS: How did the increased availability of high-grade technology affect that?

Udler: If you have $200, you can go online and download some free editing software, scriptwriting software, and you can get a camera. I have a little Samsung that I bought at Best Buy for about $140, and you could make a feature on it. It all depends on what kind of movie you want to make. As a low-budget filmmaker you have to be realistic about what you can do. You can write a script that has a massive zombie invasion of the Prussian Army, and you go, “I can’t really do that, so how am I going to make it work? Instead, I’ll have a brother and sister who fuck each other and kill tourists, and I’ll pop Lloyd in there.” There’s your exploitation!

If you have a camera and you can get some of this stuff for free, that’s the best way to do it. Like Lloyd says, just make your own damn movie! Anybody right now can make a movie. I know a lot of people complain about that, but the guys who complain are guys who came in when it was 35 mm. They made movies at a time when you had to prove to people that you weren’t going to lose their money. Now anybody with $2,000 can make a movie. I think that’s great!

SS: Does that redefine the old term, “B-movie?”

Udler: The term “B-movie” comes from the drive-ins. There was an A-picture, which was usually “Star Wars,” and there would be a B-picture, which would be “Alpha Incident.” Now, I don’t think that B-pictures exist anymore. You either have a budget or you don’t.

SS: You’re either a big studio, or everyone else.

Udler: You’re either “Avatar,” or you’re “Incest Death Squad.” There’s nothing in-between. It’s incest, or it’s blue Smurf things flying around in 3-D. Hopefully we can do the next one in 3-D.

SS: What else have you been up to, and what are you planning to do next?

Udler: Right now we’re in production for “Incest Death Squad 2.” We just started; we’ll probably have the premiere in September. I’ve also been writing movies for grindhouse legend Ted V. Mikels. I wrote his last two movies, which were “Demon Haunt” and “Astro Zombies 3.” I write films, I work for Full Moon, I just finished a documentary called “I Made My Own Damn Movie and Lived to Tell About It.” That will be on the “Produce Your Own Damn Movie” box set from Troma.

SS: How has the reaction to “Incest Death Squad” been?

Udler: Amazing. We’ve gotten a tremendous response from around the world. We’ve sent it everywhere, and everybody gets back to us. That’s the one thing that I say: please just let me know what you thought. Good, bad, or indifferent. It helps you grow as a filmmaker. People get back and say: “I can’t believe this! I can’t believe what you did in this movie! It’s crazy, it’s insane, it’s sick, and I love it!” It’s really been gratifying to see people embrace it and make it their own. As a filmmaker, you make it, but once you turn it over, it’s theirs.

SS: What’s the worst reaction you’ve gotten?

Udler: The worst reaction and outrage I got was from Fangoria Magazine. The dude who reviewed it freaked out! He freaked out because he knew incest survivors to begin with, so I had one strike there, but he hated everything about it. He said it was like a home movie, like I shot it with my friends, that the direction was terrible, some of the acting was okay, the stunt casting sucked. What was great was people started defending the movie in the comments section. Fans of the movie stepped up. It’s not about the reviewers.

SS: How much of the negative reaction is solely due to the title?

Udler: They’re done! They’ve already made up their mind. But the title more often than not sells it to people. They see “Incest Death Squad” and say: “I’ve gotta own this!” For the exploitation crowd, they go nuts for it. Nobody embraces stuff like the horror community.

SS: What’s your favorite psychological horror movie?

Udler: “Texas Chainsaw” always got under my skin. “Night of the Living Dead” I liked. “Exorcist” of course is always frightening. I don’t know if it’s a horror movie, but “El Topo” from Alejandro Jodorowski, and also “The Holy Mountain” from him was crazy. But if you go back and watch Ingmar Bergman’s “Virgin Spring,” that’s a creepy movie! There’s a lot of stuff outside of the horror genre that’s creepier than the stuff that horror folks are doing.

I used to watch “The Incredibly Strange Film Show” with Jonathan Ross. He would interview all these crazy filmmakers, and that was what turned me on to these weird, crazy movies. Basically I like the grindhouse/exploitation movies more than horror movies, so that’s what I really embraced. A lot of the stuff that’s popular now are zombie movies, slasher in the woods, teeny vampires. So when a movie like “Incest Death Squad” comes out, there’s no ambiguity. This is as graphic and grotesque and offensive and smutty a film as I could make, and the second one’s going to be even worse.

SS: What scares you?

Udler: Failure.

*“Incest Death Squad” can be found at www.incestdeathsquad.com.*

* * *

Friday night was spent in the lobby of the Marriott Hotel, where we drank overpriced drinks and watched a crowd filled with podcasters, internet dignitaries, and the costumed. Among the ghoulish guys and scantily clad ladies were two characters of note: a woman with orange hair and turquoise skin, and a guy who came off as a recently-electrified green goblin. A few legends mingled among the masses, most notably the great horror propagandist Joe Bob Briggs and actor Sid Haig. My friends met old acquaintances made from previous conventions, and we stood around plotting our next move.

We met Lloyd Kaufman at the entrance of the hotel. Originally our plan was to go to a karaoke bar with a crowd of podcasters, but we decided that we didn’t want to shell out money for a drunk taxi and were returning to the bar. As we approached the Marriott’s revolving door, we saw Kaufman standing at the drop-off, holding a bag and looking around. We approached this titan of Bizarro cinema with reverent caution. While there were plenty of horror legends in attendance at HorrorHound Weekend – including George Romero of “Living Dead” fame, Clive Barker of “Hellraiser,” and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark – Kaufman was really the guy we had come to see. Yet he was incredibly gracious – a quality that I suppose comes in handy when encountering lines of hundreds of people who come bearing similar adulations. I told him that I was excited to see him in “Incest Death Squad,” and he agreed to do an interview for the next day. Kaufman soon made a quick exit, and my comrades and I went back to wandering.

Later on, I made a brief return to our scummy-ass motel across the street, and when I came back there was a leather-clad dandy behind a miniature piano in the corner of the bar.

“Dude,” one of my friends said, “that’s the first Jason Voorhees!”

Indeed he was. Ari Lehman, who played the child version of the hockey mask hacker in the first “Friday the 13th” movie, was ready to rock. He lit a candelabrum, placed it upon the piano, and proceeded to blow us away.

Following this performance came more waiting, more standing around. The crowd in the lobby was impatient for the next day to begin, but unwilling to sleep away the time between. It was late when the masses broke off and returned to their respective rooms, and even when we fell asleep to the televised whore-mongering monologues of Artie Lange, we were impatient.


We woke the next morning, ready to go. After a fast food breakfast and a few laps around the convention floor, I got to work. The floor was packed with sightseers and autograph seekers, so my first order of business was approaching all manner of prospective interviewees and putting out the vibe, asking them if they’d be interested in a few minutes of conversation once the crowds died down.

One thing I noticed throughout the day was the amount of people who wore (or occasionally sold) t-shirts with disturbing statements on them. It seemed that for those who didn’t come in full costume, a snarky message would suffice. The first person interviewed on Saturday was no exception to this idea. His message: “Dead Girls Do Anal.”

I had to talk to him.

* * *

*Jason Hoover, Filmmaker*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Jason Hoover: I am Jason Hoover from Jabb Pictures. This is my first film, “Spike,” and this is my second film, “Polly.” They’re completely independent: written, directed, edited, artwork all by myself. It’s really chasing a dream. I tried to hold a higher standard of having continuity through a film. There are a lot of really terrible lines in movies, and I didn’t stand for that. [“Spike” has] actually been reviewed by some of the sites. They’ve had a lot of good reviews. “Polly” is based on a serial killer, on a true story. It’s more about the why of killing more than just a bunch of kill scenes that you get with many independents.

SS: What’s your take on horror films in general?

Hoover: Depends. There’s such a division in it. There’s Hollywood horror and independent horror. I feel that the base independent horror is lazy. There’s no time invested, no shot structure. No story, just give me a bunch of terrible shit to look at. And I didn’t want to do that; I wanted to do something that has a story and takes you on a journey from beginning to end.

SS: What’s “Spike” about?

Hoover: The plot of Spike is a man walking his dog in the woods, and he comes across a dead body. He goes from there by building a relationship: he takes it back home, puts it in his shed, and doesn’t do what you would think he would do with it, which is, he’s fucking it, right? He’s obviously not fucking it. It goes in a different direction. It’s a person who’s completely receptive to him. There’s no feedback from her, there’s no judging; it’s just him speaking to a dead girl.

SS: Is it kind of like crazy dog ladies who have pets because as substitute children who can’t talk?

Hoover: Maybe. He runs the gamut with her. He tells her about his wife. He complains about stuff he has to do. He just has a general conversation with her. They go through a mild dating period where he plays games with her and shows her pictures and tells her stories.

SS: How much did the movies cost to put together, and what was the process involved in each?

Hoover: They’re both completely me. If it got done it was because I did it. “Spike” cost me the gas money to drive to my brother’s house, and [“Polly”] cost about $400. So really, ultra low budget.

SS: Did you take advantage of cheap and easy technology?

Hoover: I guess. I used a digital camera to shoot it on and Final Cut to edit it, and then burned it out of the same computer I edited it on. Nowadays if you have a camera and a story, you have a movie.

SS: In the same way that the massive growth of independent musicians has made it more difficult to distinguish individual artists, has the increased ease of independent filmmaking made it harder to make yourself known?

Hoover: It is. I think the main problem we have is that independent filmmakers are doing lazy-ass work. That reflects on me. People are like: “Oh, it’s an independent movie; that means it’s terrible!” It doesn’t have to be like that. There’s a lot of diversity. “Paranormal Activity” has changed pretty much everything. Instead of giving one guy $10 million, now they’re giving 20 guys half a million and seeing what they can get story-wise.

SS: What are you doing next?

Hoover: I don’t know! I would love to make another movie, but all my eggs are in one basket with these two. I’m constantly writing and chasing down the next project, but being as low-budget as I am I have to find commitment from actors and locations. I’m trying to put everything together so I can move onto the next one.

SS: Do you have to build stronger relationships with your film crews because they’re not based on money?

Hoover: Absolutely. I have to get someone to contribute to my movie because they care about me. They’ll never see a dollar from it. They’ll never get famous because of it. It’s like having someone come paint your house. That’s pretty much what we did; I had everyone I could get put their bit in, and it came out pretty good.

SS: What scares you?

Hoover: Real life.

*Jason Hoover can be found at www.jabbpictures.com.*

* * *

One of the main reasons why I had decided to tag along with my friends and come to March’s HorrorHound Weekend was because of the adventures they had at the previous con during the past November. The big story from that weekend involved a crowd of people getting stuck in an elevator for an extended period of time. Some of them freaked out, while a few had a blast. My friends were in the latter camp.

Another elevator story came from that weekend, when a friend of mine ended up in an elevator with scream queen Linnea Quigley. This time there was no surrounding group, just him and her. Having been one of horror’s hottest babes in her prime, you’d think that he’d have been thrilled at the erotic possibilities, but as it turned out, she just mumbled a lot, laughed at random moments, and scared the crap out of him.

Yet the strangest thing to come out of November’s convention were the series of baffling texts I received from this same person, who kept telling me that James Duval was a cool guy. Duval, whom I’ve always knocked for coming off as an indie film version of Keanu Reeves, apparently took my pal under his wing and showed him his latest film, “The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond.” According to my friend, both the film and the actor were pretty alright.

As a result of that past adventure, one of the first people which my group approached was the writer of “Echo’s Pond,” Sean Clark. As I’d come to learn, expect, and appreciate from the filmmakers in attendance, Clark’s attitude was that he didn’t bow to the conventions of horror films. Perhaps the people behind the convention (a group which Clark himself was a member) weeded out the standard backyard hack-and-slashers, or perhaps everybody in the indie film field suffers from delusions of uniqueness. But Clark was convincing in his conviction, even while being heckled by actor Miguel Nunez, who sat the next booth over. “Shut up, Juwanna Mann!” Clark shouted back.


* * *

*Sean Clark, Filmmaker, Writer*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Sean Clark: My name is Sean Clark, and I’m here because my parents had sex.

SS: Why are you in this room? Same reason?

Clark: No, they had nothing to do with that part. I’m here promoting my movie, “The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond,” which I wrote and produced. It’s coming out on about 350 screens. I also write for HorrorHound Magazine, who is putting on this show. So I’m here pulling double duty.

SS: What is the movie about?

Clark: About 90 minutes. [Punny laughter] That never gets old. It’s about nine friends who every year get together and take a trip. This year they rent a Victorian house on a private island. Through a series of circumstances they uncover a hidden room in the basement of the house that has all these artifacts from an excavation in the early 1900s in Turkey. One of the things they find appears to be a game, so they take it upstairs and start playing it. As they play the game it turns them against each other. It’s kind of a possession thing, but it affects everyone differently. What it ends up being are nine friends on an island, stalking each other.

SS: Is it more of a psychological thriller or a straight horror film?

Clark: It’s got a lot of elements of everything. There’s a lot of psychological horror, there’s a thriller aspect, there’s a slasher aspect, and a supernatural aspect. It’s different. That’s what I think fans will appreciate. It isn’t the same bullshit that they’re used to being spoonfed. I’ve had real positive feedback. One of the best compliments [I’ve received] is that it’s original. It’s not a remake; it’s something new.

SS: So what’s your take on the current state of horror?

Clark: Fear is an adrenaline rush. That’s why we love to be scared. We love to be able to go to a movie and get the shit scared out of us, but be safe. Nowadays it is fucking hard to be scared in a movie. I am so disconnected, or perhaps inundated with horror that it’s very hard to get scared. The last movie I saw that genuinely freaked me out was when I went to a screening of “Session 9” in a big empty theater. It’s one of my favorite movies. It’s really hard to scare people nowadays, and I hope I can achieve that in my career.

There’s a lot of good stuff coming out, more independent. All the big studios are interested in now is capitalizing on a title and remaking it. They’re not even remaking the movies so much as just taking the name. Some of them are nothing like the original. They’re pointless. And it’s paying off! At the end of the day, all they care about is money. The filmmaker has integrity, but he’s at the mercy of the people who are financing it.

SS: Is it harder to scare audiences because modern horror films are putting less emphasis on characterization?

Clark: I agree with that. One thing you will notice about “Black Waters,” something that I am very strict about: I am big, big, big on character development. The first 45 minutes of this movie almost plays out like “The Breakfast Club.” It’s people sitting around, and you’re getting to know them and their relationships. You genuinely care about these characters when the shit starts to hit the fan. That’s important to me.

Let’s take the last “Friday the 13th” remake. You didn’t give a shit about any of those people. When they start getting offed, it means nothing to you. When I’m in a slasher film, I wanna know that I want the bitch to get killed, I wanna know that I want the cool guy to live. It frustrates me when I see movies that are just gratuitous. I want people to care.

SS: How was writing and producing this movie?

Clark: It was completely independent. We had investors, and for the most part they left us alone. There was nobody breathing down our neck. We did have a schedule, and it did get tight at times. There were a couple things we had to comply to, put a couple of people in the movie who they wanted. Beyond that they let us do what we wanted to do. It was a lot of freedom. As a writer, I was completely spoiled. I’ll probably never have an experience as good as this again.

SS: What is your writing experience, and how did you end up writing this film?

Clark: I’ve been trying to get my original scripts off the ground since about 1999. This is my first theatrical. I’ve written stuff that’s been optioned, almost was made. This is the first thing that’s actually been made. It’s finally happening. The experience of writing it was great. The constant rewrites were challenging, especially rewrites during filming, which happened a lot. There was a major location that we lost at the 11th hour that really changed things. I had to come up with something new. Beyond that it was great.

As far as writing for HorrorHound, it’s a completely different thing. I’m not so much a journalist for HorrorHound; I write a specific feature article called “Horror’s Hallowed Grounds,” which is a retrospective on the filming locations of a classic film. I pick one per issue and do that. I’m not having to interview people and go to press junkets and screenings. I did that before; I used to write for Dread Central and bloodydisgusting.com. I did that for years and am trying to get away from that, doing more of my own creative thing.

SS: What are you planning next?

Clark: I’m writing a script called “Sugar,” which is a horror film. I want that to be my directorial debut. I’ve been finishing the “Nightmare on Elm Street” episode of “Horror’s Hallowed Grounds,” the TV version of it. That’s gonna be on the new “Nightmare on Elm Street” documentary, “Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy.” That’s coming out at the end of April. It’s all filmed; we’re just editing right now.

SS: What frightens you?

Clark: Not a whole lot, to be honest. I guess I have a fear of heights. I mean super high. You’ll never catch me sky-diving.

*“The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond” is out now. Visit www.theblackwaters.com for more details.*

* * *

If there’s one interview that I really screwed up on, it was Tom Noonan. The man is an unmistakable icon in cinema, starring in many films I like a great deal. Among his vast library of roles, he was Frankenstein in “The Monster Squad,” The Ripper in Schwarzenegger’s highly-underrated “Last Action Hero,” and Cain, the sinister-as-hell drug dealer turned death machine in “Robocop 2.” And in the midst of talking to Noonan, the only thing I could think of was Chris Farley’s interviewer sketches in “Saturday Night Live,” where he dimly but enthusiastically asked his subjects if they remembered how awesome their careers were. Vowing not to go that route left me without a lot left to say. Oh, well.

* * *

*Tom Noonan, Man of Many Talents*

Second Supper: How do you wear the title, Horror Legend?

Tom Noonan: It’s weird; you do these movies 20 years ago and then come to these places and you see that people love what you did. It sort of brings it back. Normally, I don’t think about it at all. Most of the movies I do aren’t like this.

SS: What have you been doing recently?

Noonan: I did this thing called “House of the Devil,” which just came out in October. I’m a regular on the TV show “Damages” with Glenn Close. I’m also doing an HBO Series called “Bored to Death,” and I’m doing a feature this summer about a German prisoner of war in Montana. During World War II, German prisoners were brought to the United States and kept in prison camps in the Midwest. I think the film is called “Algona.” I don’t know if they have the money completely but they’ve been talking about it for about a year.

SS: What do you do outside of horror?

Noonan: I also direct films. I won Best Film at Sundance; I won best screenplay at Sundance about ten years ago. I also compose music, I run a theater company in New York City, and I teach at NYU.

SS: Does that leave you any time to relax?

Noonan: I don’t feel like I’m very busy. I feel like I do nothing most of the time. If you do a little bit every day, you get a lot done.

* * *

Following my goofed-up interview with Mr. Noonan, I decided to switch off journalist mode for a bit and wander the floor. I met assorted ghouls and monsters, a couple wearing hospital scrubs splattered with post-natal blood (with baby still attached), a ten foot tall gas-masked facist type, and a pair of girls sporting facial road rashes. In the hallway, Elvira was flanked by an autograph line that ran as far as I could see, while in the men’s room, a giant guy in full Michael Myers costume was asked by another person if he had held him the year before. “I probably choked you,” Myers answered. “I don’t fuck around.”

I soon found myself back in the mask room, wandering around all manner of latex art. In the back aisle lurked some of the room’s best pieces: life sized statues, a raygun wielding Killer Klown, and exhibits from the “Hellraiser” films. All were magnificent works of art.

Returning to the main hall, I met Emil Hyde, director of “The Landlord.” My friend had already made the film’s acquaintance the previous night, when he was farted at by someone associated with the film while in the same bathroom where I met Michael Myers. “Consider that a gift from the Landlord!” the guy cackled.

* * *

*Emil Hyde, Filmmaker*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Emil Hyde: My name is Emil Hyde, and I’m here at HorrorHound Weekend promoting our film, “The Landlord!”

SS: What is “The Landlord” about?

Hyde: “The Landlord” is a heartwarming tale of a young man who inherits a demon-infested apartment building from his devil-worshipping parents, and with it the responsibility for finding new tenants for the demons to devour, and cleaning up the mess when they’re done!

SS: Is this your first time as a director?

Hyde: Yes. This is my first time directing a real movie. We had a few cases where it was just us running around a backyard with camcorders. Those don’t count.

SS: What is the difference between then and now?

Hyde: Money. And people.

SS: How much did it cost to make this movie?

Hyde: This movie cost an affordable $20,000 to produce, paid largely on credit cards. The other ones cost about $175.

SS: What is your take on horror?

Hyde: You can’t watch a “horror” movie; you’re always watching an individual movie. You might be watching our film, which some might call a horror-comedy. I don’t know how one can say: “I don’t like horror-comedies,” when there’s probably one out there that’s good. I generally don’t like remakes, but occasionally you’ll get something like the remake of “The Hills have Eyes” that kind of kick ass. There’s an audience for the genre, and as for the art itself, there’s good films and bad films.

SS: What has the reaction been thus far to “The Landlord?”

Hyde: We started showing it at film festivals in August, and as with any little film that doesn’t have the Hollywood bullhorn people were looking at us as if we were trying to sell them a vial of the Ebola virus. But as word got out that it was a really funny film – almost a sitcom version of “Hellraiser” – and not just another backyard zombie film, it’s been getting easier and easier to sell.

SS: Would you be okay with making a Hollywood film, considering all its restrictions?

Hyde: You’re dealing with some major restrictions when you’re working on the independent level. Yes. I’d absolutely take a job doing a Hollywood movie. I’d figure out how to fuck with the system later.

SS: Is there anything coming down the pipe?

Hyde: Yeah, we’re working on a couple of projects. One that you’ll probably be hearing about soon is called “The Dog Cage.” We’ll be producing a graphic novel first and a movie later. You should be hearing about that this fall.

*“The Landlord” comes out on May 25th. More information can be found at www.thelandlordmovie.com.*

* * *

Lurking in one of the hall’s back corners, I saw some fine examples of humanity. There was a masked luchador hard at work on his laptop, a bald, eerie gnome lady, and a middle-aged guy with a beautiful, wavy mullet (which we decided to pronounce moo-lay in this case). When I met a lady dressed up as a fishnetted Ghostbuster, I knew I had found the hottest dame of the convention. Luckily, I have had no erotic dreams featuring Egon Spengler or Vigo the Carpathian as a result.

Amidst all this, a well-dressed man with tentacles growing out of his face spoke loudly for the cause of zombie rights. When I approached him in order to discuss his pet cause, he directed me to the masterminds behind the movement, a guy-girl duo wearing matching t-shirts that read: “Ban Headshots.”

* * *

*The Zombie Rights Campaign*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Zombie Rights Guy: We are the Zombie Rights Campaign. We are here to promote the cause of zombie rights and try to reduce the anti-zombie hostility in the horror community.

SS: What is the history of zombie oppression?

Guy: Zombies were long used as manual labor by voodoo witch doctors, and then the U.S. government created a lot of them with secret programs and chemicals, usually for cannon fodder. Recently, they’re something you take out your aggression on. If there’s an apocalypse, you blame the zombies. You occupy a mall and start shooting everyone around who doesn’t have a heartbeat. It’s really unfair.

Zombie Rights Girl: You make a game out of discovering how many you can kill, in how many different ways. These are people. This is not how you treat people.

SS: Will mankind always be looking for a scapegoat? Did the Civil Rights campaigns of the 60’s force our society to find another target?

Guy: Zombies are a convenient target. If you can’t oppress the living, people are generally willing to oppress the dead.

SS: Like Jesus!

Guy: He did come back from the dead after three days. We would let him into the Zombie Rights Campaign!

Girl: That is an explanation, but it’s not an excuse. This is another stage in the process of trying to make it so that we give everyone an equal shake, an equal share of respect.

SS: Are zombie rights similar to animal rights?

Girl: That is a harmful stereotype. We have this idea that’s perpetrated by the media, by movies, by George Romero especially, that zombies are mindless automatons; all they want is to eat our flesh. People don’t realize that zombies are more than the desire for brains. They have higher desires, like anyone. They enjoy art, they enjoy culture, they want to live, and they want to have families. They want to have all the things that we do, but they’re not allowed.

SS: Is George Romero the Glenn Beck of zombies?

Girl: I think that’s giving Glenn Beck too much credit.

Guy: George Romero’s been around a lot longer, to be fair.

SS: But in “Day of the Dead” he did make an intelligent zombie. He did seem to open himself up to the idea that they were more than just rabid animals.

Girl: It’s a step in the right direction, but we haven’t seen anything more, from him or media in general.

Guy: It’s a small step forward, to go from zombies that you just kill to zombies that you lock in a room and teach repetitive antics.

SS: How did you feel about the ending to “Shaun of the Dead,” when zombies became megamart employees?

Girl: That’s sort of admitting the possibility that they can be useful, but they’re being used. They’re not being treated as people who went out and got a job. And there are the other depictions of them being used for reality shows. We wouldn’t do that to living people, but it’s alright to do it to the undead.

Guy: It’s clear that Shaun knows better, because he protects his zombie friend and they play games together. They share a living environment; they share video games and fun.

Girl: This is another bright spot, but those bright spots are few.

SS: Why do zombies never eat dogs in movies?

Guy: Maybe dogs aren’t tasty. Some people eat dogs, so I don’t know why zombies would be averse to it.

Girl: Maybe there haven’t been movies with Korean zombies.

SS: That brings up another idea: that zombies only eat humans because that’s all there is to eat in an urban setting. There aren’t any cows in the middle of a city street. You go for what’s available, like what people do when they go to McDonald’s.

Girl: But why can’t zombies just go to McDonald’s?

Guy: They wouldn’t be allowed in McDonald’s. It would be a violation of the health code.

SS: But a smelly guy can go to McDonald’s. There are some pretty rotten people who can get in while still alive.

Guy: But then we’re getting into the issue of passing for a living person, and a zombie shouldn’t have to pass for a living person to order a Big Mac.

SS: How can people help your campaign?

Girl: We’d just like to get the word out so people start thinking about how they feel about and act toward zombies, and whether those attitudes are at all justified.

SS: Is there any danger that acceptance will turn into patronization? Will there be people who befriend zombies not because of who they are, but because they’re zombies?

Girl: That’s a possibility, and another thing we have to worry about. But we’re not even to that point yet, which is perhaps worse.

Guy: Maybe someday Stephen Colbert will have his one zombie friend along with his one black friend. Even that would be a step forward.

SS: Would zombies have a place in a Gene Roddenberry Star Trek utopia?

Guy: Well, Spock came back from the dead!

*The Zombie Rights Campaign can be found at www.zombierightscampaign.org.*

* * *

Mister Hamilton had been at the top of the list of people I wanted to interview since I met him the night before. My group knew him the previous convention, and introduced me to the raconteur as he strolled through the hotel lobby. The first thing I thought was that he had one of the most bitchin’ curly-tipped mustaches I had ever seen. The thing could go toe to toe with the lip mane of Rollie Fingers and come out ahead.

Yet as I’d find out the next day, Mister Hamilton was much more than a set of well-groomed whiskers. In the corner adjoining the convention floor’s entrance doors sat a humble table of art, manned by a hefty guy with a denim vest and a two-toned Mohawk. The art depicted all manner of horror icons, set against leopard printed and/or fuzzy backgrounds which often used tops from soda cans as their hanging pieces. I knew that this was an art I wanted to know more about, but the guy was only the magician’s assistant and told me to come back later.

When I returned, there was Mister Hamilton, presiding over his artistic empire. He soon began to talk about putting his dick in a mousetrap. The man is amazing.

* * *

*Mr. Hamilton, Artisan, Sideshow Performer, and Owner of a Sweet Mustache*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Mr. Hamilton: My name is Mr. Hamilton, and I am a sideshow performer. I’m here to perform tonight and sell my artwork.

SS: What do you do in your performances?

Hamilton: I do hula-hoop tricks; I put hands and other body parts into mousetraps and rattraps, have shit smashed on my body with sledgehammers. But mainly I talk.

SS: What do you talk about?

Hamilton: Whatever comes to my mind at the moment. I’m called a talker; it’s kind of an emcee, but goofier.

SS: Like a carnival barker?

Hamilton: No, a barker is a hack. We look down on the barkers. With sideshow talkers, there’s an outside talker and an inside talker. The inside talker is more of an intimate emcee and explains what’s happening with the show as you’re watching it. They do a lot of improvisation, cause they’ve gotta work with live audiences, drunks, and morons – and also some really educated, fun people. So you gotta play off of them.

SS: When did you begin pursuing your interests?

Hamilton: I’ve always been a talker. I’ve done a lot of improvisational theater, a lot of street performing. I’ve always been a bit of a ham. The artwork I’ve always done as well, and I realized that I can do these shows and be creative and combine it all.

The first time I put my dick in a mousetrap was last year. We had this ongoing thing where for a hundred dollars I would do it. We played a fetish night at a gay bar in Champagne-Urbana. We performed at this thing, my old troupe and myself. We did the usual offer, and no one’s taking us up on it, when a little voice in the back goes: “Hold on, I’m going to the cash machine!” At that point I realized that I have to do this! I thought about the logistics and physics of it, and thankfully it went off without a hitch.

SS: You didn’t take any practice runs before?

Hamilton: Nope! I’d been putting them on my tongue. The rat traps are very dangerous, though; I would not put my dick in a rat trap. With a rat trap, if you do it right, it’ll hurt like hell. If you do it wrong, you’ll fuck yourself up.

SS: How do you go about making your art?

Hamilton: These are original paintings, and then I took my paintings and made a laser print. These are called bas-reliefs, which are images that pop from a background pieces. The backgrounds are just pieces of wood with fur and bits of fabric on them. With the front, I color copy the painting and use a template to cut everything out, and then I hit it with glitter glue, because everything looks better when it looks like a transvestite took a shit on it.

SS: I’m in full agreement.

Hamilton: You should have seen my prom date! I looked great afterwards! Couldn’t walk right for a week, but I was shiny, like a vampire in the sun!

SS: What do you do when you’re not working conventions?

Hamilton: I’m from Austin, Texas. I emcee once a month at a thing called “Sessions,” which is like an Austin City Limits showcase. I also work at a place called the Museum of the Weird. In future shows I’m going to be traveling with the Oddity Museum. I tour quite a bit with my sideshow, which varies from member to member. I’ve yet to tour with the same person twice.

SS: Is there a reason behind that?

Hamilton: I am a fucking taskmaster! Nah. Circus performers do things called spots. You do a spot somewhere. They are more transient, and they’ll get offers, because there’s not many of us. A lot of people do it, but sideshow performing is a lot like burlesque or poetry. It’s often really horrible, or else it’s all right, or else it’s fucking amazing. There’s a giant gap between all right and amazing, so a good performer is often in high demand. I work with people from Coney Island, and for my next tour I’m probably going to be performing with one or two ex-Jim Rose Circus people.

SS: So you just don’t want to be stuck in one place.

Hamilton: Yes, and it’s also about coordinating. If you’ve ever had a band, doing shows with four consistent people is difficult. One guy has a job and a house, one guy’s a big asshole and no fun to travel with, and another guy’s on drugs. It’s the same thing for sideshow performers, but we have more places to go.

For this particular performance, I’m working with a gentleman who does contact juggling, and I took him up from Texas with me. I’m going to be collaborating with one of the Horror Hosts; he’s gonna be eating razor blades. Another Horror Host from Dark Carnival will be doing a blockhead routine; we’ll be hammering nails into his head. The band Shriek is going to be doing some incidental music behind us. It’s nice to be able to collaborate.

SS: How easy is it to keep your life running?

Hamilton: You have to have the right attitude. Is it easy? Probably not, but it’s all I do. If you love doing something, whatever it is, you’ll have a better chance of success at that thing than anything else. If you hate something, even if you’re successful, you’ll be resentful.

Do I make a lot of money? Sometimes. Most times, not. It’s a feast or famine situation, but I’m always doing what I love doing, so I don’t notice the time going by. We were on the train coming up, and it was a 23 hour train ride from Texas to St. Louis, where we caught a ride with a friend to here. And the gentleman I’m with, he’s bored shitless, while I’m like, that was the shortest train ride ever! But the whole time, I was painting and finishing up my artwork. I didn’t even notice.

SS: What can I expect tonight?

Hamilton: I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised, hopefully shocked, possibly amazed.

*Mr. Hamilton can be found at www.museumoftheweird.com, and on Facebook under the fan page “Mister Hamilton.” *

* * *

In the middle of the convention floor, across the way from a seemingly random bookshelf exhibiting old horror novels, hung an array of paintings and art. Beneath these gray skulls and black backgrounds sat a man whose appearance fit the definition of “old school diabolical.” Combining a smart black suit with a long, graying beard, Menton Matthews III looks like a guy with whom Faustian bargains are made. Yet behind the veneer was a soft-spoken artist who came to HorrorHound to promote a comic book. Sitting quietly behind his table, Matthews patiently awaited convention-goers with an almost nervous air, perhaps feeling a bit out of place as a high artist bringing paintings to a photograph fight.

* * *

*Menton Matthews III, Artist*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Menton Matthews III: My name is Menton Matthews III. I am a comic book artist.

SS: What have you done in the comic field?

Matthews: I self-published my first book, “Ars Memoria,” but now I’m working with a company called IDW. I did “Zombies vs. Robots” with them, and I’m working on two other projects with them right now that are really exciting, but I signed NDAs [Non-Disclosure Agreements] so I can’t talk about them.

SS: How did you get into the comic industry?

Matthews: I really don’t know the answer to that question. I got an email one day from Chris Ryall from IDW, who asked if I wanted to do “Zombies vs. Robots.” At first I thought it was a joke, so I emailed him back a mean email. It turned out to be real, and all of a sudden it came together. I feel like the luckiest guy on the planet.

SS: So you were kind of a hired gun?

Matthews: Yeah. He writes it and I make the artwork. On my own books I wrote them and made the artwork, but right now I am a hired gun. I like that; you find a great writer, and that’s where the magic happens. As an artist, you paint what you want to write, and vice versa. Having a writer forces you to paint things you wouldn’t normally do.

SS: What was your artistic background before “Zombies vs. Robots?”

Matthews: I’ve been a musician most of my life. When I was a kid I was sort of a young painter prodigy. I sold some paintings, but got out of it when I was about 11, and just got back into it about two years ago.

SS: What kind of music did you play?

Matthews: I have a project called Saltillo. I play violin and cello, but to dark, weird, trip-hop music. If I could explain the music, I wouldn’t have to make it! But I decided one day that I would do comics instead, and I’m very fulfilled by it.

SS: Were the art pieces that you’re displaying here made for the show?

Matthews: A lot of these are pages from “Zombies vs. Robots.” I oil paint most of the pages, and these are here to show what I do.

SS: What scares you?

Matthews: Not much, to be honest. What Nazis did scares me, because they made death a number. What scares me the most is when people objectify other people for any reason. We’re all individuals. I have a son now, and [the thought of] him getting hurt scares the hell out of me. But I’ve never seen a movie that scared me; I’ve never read a book that scares me. But I think it’s more the identification with the shadow self that makes us more whole, so I enjoy it when something alarms me.

*Menton Matthews III can be found at www.menton3.com.*

* * *

Neil Autry has one of the best promotional schemes I’ve ever heard of. As we approached his booth, taking in its delightfully vulgar t-shirts and horror-themed cross stitching, we noticed a box on the table which was covered in black cloth. The sign above it read: “See Elvira’s Boobs free with any purchase!!” You better believe we paid up. I bought a dollar pin featuring a shirtless Elvis punching a guy in the gut, and Autry took me to the Promised Land. And it was good.

* * *

*Neil Autry, Proprietor*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Neil Autry: My name is Neil Autry, and I own Western Evil, and we are currently running a booth at HorrorHound Weekend.

SS: Did you make these cross-stitches yourself?

Autry: Yes. My girlfriend sews these professionally, and she’s going to be opening a website for them soon. She’s done them all by hand, and all original designs, each unique in their own way.

SS: Did you make the shirts yourselves as well?

Autry: Yeah. I do all my own designing. I don’t silk screen them; I send them out, and they’re sent back to me. We have such great designs as the “C.H.U.D. Nelson” and “Your mom swallows period blood.”

[At this point, I noticed the C.H.U.D. Nelson t-shirt, which features the head of a cannibalistic underdweller on the body of the bad boy from “The Breakfast Club.” For a few seconds, I’m stunned by its magnificence.]

SS: So how did you get Elvira’s tits in a box?

Autry: She actually posted a thing on her website connecting to her eBay store. She was having an estate sale; she sold a lot of rare items and autographs. Among the things that caught my eye was the fact that she was selling a life-cast bust of her tits. I paid $198 for Elvira’s tits, and really only had to outbid one person. It’s completely bizarre; you’d think something as historical as Elvira’s tits would bring more than $198.
When I purchased them on eBay they were said to be from the “Haunted Hills” Elvira, but I recently had them signed and she informed me that they were from “Allan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold.”

SS: How awesome of a marketing technique has charging to see Elvira’s tits worked out?

Autry: I have had a lot of people buying $2 stickers and $1.25 pins just to take a look at Elvira’s tits. It’s working out, slowly but surely. I definitely made my money back.

SS: What scares you?

Autry: Death! Actually dying.

*C.H.U.D. Nelson and his friends can be found at www.westernevil.com.*

* * *

Of everyone I met and talked to over the course of HorrorHound Weekend, only one person was a dick. That person was Robert Z’Dar, star of the “Maniac Cop” series. As I walked past his booth it dawned on me who he was, and I asked if I could take a picture of him.

“You got ten bucks?” he asked.

I was taken aback. People with cameras were all over the place, taking pictures with or without the subject’s permission, and nobody asked for or received any compensation. “No,” I said, probably sneering a bit past polite, and I began to walk off.

“Hold up,” he said, pointing at me as though I had grossly insulted him by not throwing wads of cash on his table. “I’ll let you take one picture. One.”

Not caring at this point, I snapped a quick shot and disappeared. Worth every penny.


Someone whom I was much more excited to meet was a guy running the most unique booths at the convention, selling framed butterflies, spiders, and scorpions. The creatures were so stunningly colorful that I initially didn’t believe that they weren’t painted or otherwise modified. But as Matt Youngerman explained, that’s the beauty of nature.

* * *

*Matt Youngerman, Insect Artist*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Matt Youngerman: My name is Matt Youngerman, and a lot of people call me “The Bugman.” I sell framed insects and butterflies from all over the world. Taratulas, scorpions, scary stuff that I think goes pretty well with the horror genre.

SS: How did you get into that?

Youngerman: When I was five years old, the Dayton Museum of Natural History in Dayton, Ohio had a summer program. There were different classes, and one was called Backyard Bugs. Since then I was always one of the kids who would carry a butterfly net around, catching bugs. My degree is in zoology, and in grad school I studied insects. I started my business of selling framed insects about seven years ago.

SS: What’s the process involved in gathering and displaying your insects?

Youngerman: We travel all over the world and find villagers who raise butterflies and insects on what are called butterfly farms. They ship them to us all dead and dry, legs and wings folded up, and then we have to take each one and rehydrate them. Then I put them on special mounting boards and spreading boards, opening their wings up, opening their legs up. Then I let them dry for another day or so, and then I can put them in the frames.

SS: So they’re otherwise as you’d find them in the wild.

Youngerman: Right. Because some of the colors are so metallic and so bright, people assume that we paint them or alter them in some way, but everything that we sell is natural colors. In the United States you don’t see insects that have colors like tropical insects do.

SS: Do you get flak from people who claim that you’re exploiting insects?

Youngerman: Not really. Sometimes when they first come, [people] are upset because they think that we went out with bug nets in the rainforest and caught a bunch of insects. But they’re raised on farms, so it’s sustainable, and the primary purpose of butterfly farms is to supply zoos with living butterfly exhibits. My dry insects are what they do with the extra insects that they don’t sell living. Most people understand that, but you always have people who don’t agree with that. That’s fine; as long as I can educate them as much as I can, they can make their own decision.

SS: The insects don’t have long lives, so it’s not as though they have to be killed for your exhibits.

Youngerman: Right. Most tropical butterflies only live in the wild for three weeks, as a butterfly. Most of their lives are spent as a caterpillar, eating leaves. Butterflies can only mate one time, so really their only purpose once they have wings is to fly around and find a mate. Insects, compared to other animals, have a very short lifespan.

SS: How do the tarantulas and scorpions work?

Youngerman: That started with people raising them for the pet industry. For the tarantulas, male tarantulas on average only live three years. Female tarantulas live a long time, 20-30 years. I only sell male tarantulas, because the way that the breeders work is that they’re not going to sell or kill their female tarantulas. They let the males and females breed, the males die, and they prepare them and ship them out to me. It’s really the same with scorpions.

SS: How does having a pet like that even work?

Youngerman: I honestly don’t know, because I’ve never had one. I wouldn’t want it to get out and not be able to find it. A lot of people do, though. I ask them how it is, if they can play with it. A lot of people don’t even play with it. It’s more or less a living piece of artwork that stays in the cage. But that’s okay, because tarantulas and scorpions in the wild never move very far from one spot. They’re perfectly happy in a cage, as long as they get food. In that sense, it’s not as though you’re torturing them.

SS: Are they dangerous to own?

Youngerman: Some are. A lot of the ones in the pet trade aren’t dangerous, but there are some that you can mail order that you wouldn’t want to get bit by. That’s what freaks a lot of people out – you don’t know. Even if it’s a relatively harmless tarantula or scorpion, you don’t know how you’re going to react to that venom until it bites you. It might not be dangerous to most people, but if you’re allergic to it, what are you gonna do? I’ve never had one, which might sound weird. Maybe it’s because I know enough about them, and I see them all the time in the wild, which is pretty cool.

SS: So your sign says that you’re donating some of the proceeds you make at the convention?

Youngerman: The countries that have butterfly farms highly regulate them. The farmers have to pay a certain tax to become farmers. Those proceeds go to these countries’ fish and wildlife departments. They use them to buy and maintain parkland, which in return helps protect land for wild butterflies and insects. It’s actually a pretty big business. Whenever I buy insects from another country, I usually have to pay an export tax to that country, and that money is usually used for the same thing. It’s not necessarily an individual charity.

SS: What are your environmental beliefs?

Youngerman: I’m really big on conservation. That’s why I only work with butterfly farmers. I understand that people are always going to want products like this, but I think it’s really important to find the best way to give people these products without taking them from the wild. I’ve been to over 30 countries, and some of them are in desperate need to protect their land. It’s really sad and bad, and there are so many animals that have been lost forever because they haven’t been protected.

SS: So is this all you do?

Youngerman: Yeah. I used to have real jobs; I say real jobs because people look at what I do now and say that it’s so cool. I started this seven years ago, part time, and turned it into [what it is now]. I travel all over the country, go to different shows, I have a storefront in Ohio, sell online.

SS: Is it a profitable business?

Youngerman: Yeah, it is, and the reason why is because I actually go to the countries and find the farmers. There’s no middleman for me. A lot of people who do this as a hobby buy from people like me, and it’s not as profitable.

SS: And you’re offering a physical art form that can’t be duplicated.

Youngerman: Every butterfly is different and unique, even if it’s the same species. There are so many different insects and butterflies that you could collect for years and come nowhere close to having everything. It’s a very unique product, and if done right, it’s a good business.

*Matt Youngerman can be found at www.theinsectkingdom.com.*

* * *

Hare Krishna Zombie rules! We made the acquaintance of the “Dawn of the Dead” star early on in the day, and we saw him wandering about the floor from time to time, mostly mingling with horror and movie makeup legend Tom Savini, whom we were all far too chickenshit to talk to. When I finally made my way back to HKZ’s booth and conducted this interview, he dropped some knowledge on my friend and I, talking about the Rothchild family and the dangers of globalization. Talking conspiracy theories with a Hare Krishna Zombie is as awesome as it sounds.

* * *

*Mike Christopher, Hare Krishna Zombie*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Hare Krishna Zombie: I’m the Hare Krishna Zombie from George Romero’s classic horror movie from 1978, “Dawn of the Dead.” I’m here because I’m here to meet the fans and talk about movies.

SS: Who are you when you’re not a Hare Krishna Zombie?

HKZ: I’m an electronic music composer, an actor, and an auto detailer.

SS: How has this role defined your life?

HKZ: When the movie was over I moved to Los Angeles to do laser light shows. From there I made synthesizers and drum machines. Then I colorized black and white movies, got into video post-production, moved to Florida, and was a graphic artist. Really until about three years ago the movie had very little effect on my life. Then I found out about horror conventions, and they came out with a plastic action figure of my character, so I started getting back into movies, acting, soundtracks, and stuff like that.

SS: What’s your take on being in one of the most influential zombie movies of all time?

HKZ: Back then it was a very small thing that I did for a couple days. It was real intense; the time went by real fast on the set. It took about three days to film my part. The first day was establishing shots of my character, me walking around the mall with the other zombies. The second day was the stuff in the hallway with Ken Foree and David Emge. The third day was shot in George Romero’s office building. They had a set built there. None of the stuff that happens upstairs in the hideout was filmed in the mall.

After that I went on to do a bunch of different things, and it faded into my memory. Every once in a while I’d invite a friend over to watch the movie and talk about it for a little while. Since finding about the horror conventions and meeting all the fans, it’s become a fantastic experience. It’s amazing to learn that there are thousands upon thousands of people who really care about “Dawn of the Dead.”

SS: Would you consider your role in “Dawn of the Dead” to be a supporting character or a glorified extra?

HKZ: At the time I considered it to like a glorified extra, but I realized that I got what I consider the best zombie role, because I got to go after one of the main characters. They called us lead zombies; it’s kind of somewhere inbetween.

SS: Are you doing any acting or music projects now?

HKZ: Sure. I’m doing the soundtrack for “Bikini Monsters.” I was also Captain Nicholson in that movie. I was Crazy Old Guy in a movie coming out later this year called “Boobytrappers.” I’m a ticket scalper and audience member in Herschell Gordon Lewis’ new movie.

SS: What scares you?

HKZ: The New World Order. International bankers. Politicians. Well, not actually politicians, because politicians reflect the apathy that’s going on in our society. The reality is more frightening than any horror movie I’ve ever seen.

SS: If there was a horror movie about what’s going on today, what would it be called?

HKZ: That’s a really good question; I don’t have an answer to that. I guess the closest thing that comes to mind would be Jesse Ventura’s “Conspiracy Theory.”

*Hare Krishna Zombie can be found at www.facebook.com/HareKrishnaZombie.*

* * *

Miguel Nunez was another of the convention’s guests whom we really wanted to meet. Having starred in one of the best (and funniest) zombie films ever, “Return of the Living Dead,” as well as one of the best “Friday the 13th” films (Part 5), Nunez comes with a high horror pedigree. Talking to him in real life revealed that he is as brash, confident, and funny as he is on camera.

* * *

*Miguel A. Nuñez, Jr., Actor*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Miguel A. Nuñez, Jr.: My name is Miguel A. Nuñez, Jr., and the reason why I’m here is because I was blessed early in my career to have done two of the biggest franchises in horror and movie history, a “Return of the Living Dead” and a “Friday the 13th.” I also am a connoisseur, and horror has been my favorite genre since I ran away from home in North Carolina to go to Hollywood to be an actor. I said when I got to Hollywood I was gonna do horror movies and westerns. Well, niggas ain’t doing westerns unless they hitchin’ up horses, so I decided to do horror movies, and there I am!

And this place is off the chain! I had turned down so many of these in the past, and then Sean Clark talked me into doing one. I was so amazed at the level of genuine respect and admiration that the fans had for these movies. It blew my mind, and I decided that even if I don’t want to go, I’m going to go to every one that I can. I’m here, and I’m committed to the fans who love these movies.

SS: Your best known roles in horror movies have a lot of comedy in them. Do you consider yourself a comedic horror actor?

Nuñez: Somebody said something a few moments ago: “When you got killed in ‘Friday the 13th Part 5,’ you were really frightened, you were really scared.” That’s how I played it. There’s a wee bit of comedy to all drama. In everything I do I add comedy, but there’s a fine line to walk. A lot of people don’t bring comedy to horror, but I can make somebody laugh and cry at the same time.

SS: But it’s not slapstick.

Nuñez: Not at all. If you play it real in the context of the scene, it’s not slapstick. If you act out of the context of the scene, it’s gonna show.

SS: And then there are your roles outside of horror, like Dee Jay in “Street Fighter” and Juwanna Mann. How did you approach these roles?

Nuñez: The one thing I never do is expect anything from a film. I try to go into it and do the best job that I can possibly do. If you’re doing a movie, you do whatever you would do for real in that situation. Then you never have to act.

SS: For the “Street Fighter” movie, did you feel limited in playing an already established character from a video game?

Nuñez: Not only that, he was a Jamaican! But I was already a fan of the game, and I studied it. And remember that, in the game, they don’t really give you a back story. All they say is that he’s a Jamaican kickboxer. It was up to me to bring it all; whatever I gave them was whatever it was. I tried to stay true to the video game, and let the script and studio guys deal with that. And it worked out.

SS: What is “Prince Def Rock?”

Nuñez: “Prince Def Rock” is an old school breakdancer who has to come back when he’s over 35, and join a dance contest. It was a movie I did with Jamie Kennedy [called “Kickin’ It Old Skool]. It was really fun, but hard because I had to dance and I thought we looked stupid.

SS: Can you dance?

Nuñez: Oh yeah. I used to be able to do it better, but yeah, I can do it.

SS: What have you been doing recently?

Nuñez: I just finished a Farrelly Brothers movie called “Hollywood and Wine.” I did a movie called “Black Dynamite,” and I’m doing a new series starring me and John Schneider from “Dukes of Hazzard” called “Back Nine.” It’s a half our sitcom about golf.

SS: What scares you?

Nuñez: Nothing. I’m not afraid of anything. Anything!


* * *

So here’s one person I didn’t expect to meet at a horror convention. Early in the afternoon, someone got on the loudspeaker and made yet another of the day’s proclamations. “Would everybody please welcome – Catherine Mary Stewart!” As usually followed such announcements, pockets of people politely cheered and then went about their business. But I was stunned. The star of “The Apple” was here.

For those who haven’t heard of this titan of Bizarro cinema, “The Apple” is simply amazing. It’s Rocky Horror set to disco. It’s the Book of Genesis and the Book of Revelations in one. And it has one of the most insane, mind-blowing endings in any movie, ever. Holy shit, I thought, I had to talk to her. And she ended up being one of my favorite people at HorrorHound, even though I’m still not sure why she was there. Then again, “The Apple” has been confusing me for years, so that’s fitting.

* * *

*Catherine Mary Stewart, Actress*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Catherine Mary Stewart: I am Catherine Mary Stewart, and I was kidnapped, bound, and dragged here against my will.

SS: I know you from “The Apple.” What was it like starring in the greatest disco musical ever, and participating in one of the most wonderfully strange film endings of all time?

Stewart: It was weird! That was my very first film ever, so I really had no clue what I was getting myself into as an actress. I just went along with it, thinking that it was kind of strange. When I saw it completed, I thought that my instincts were correct.

It opened in 1981 in the World Film Festival in Montreal, to a mixed review, I’m sure. But the guy who ran the festival said: “This is the greatest movie, especially if you’re stoned!” I can totally see that! For me, it was my intro to the whole business, so I have to say that it was the greatest thing ever.

SS: What have been your favorite roles since?

Stewart: It’s such a hard question. Every movie that I’ve done has been so wonderful in a different way. I guess there are some that are more awful than others, and I have worked with some people who I didn’t necessarily like or get along with. Some of the most gratifying are some of the movies I’m representing here: “The Last Starfighter,” “Night of the Comet.”

When you’re shooting a movie, you have no idea what to expect. You do your work as best you can, and then it’s completely out of your hands. I’ve done a lot of movies where the end result is completely different from the script’s intention. Afterwards you put that part of your life on the shelf and move on. So when you get the response that you get at conventions like this, you never know what to expect.

There’s a whole generation of men and women that tell me how influential these movies are to them. You’re one of the odd ones out about “The Apple!” That was not a widely seen movie! It always takes me off guard. As an actor it’s so cool having a positive effect on people that they still treasure in their 20s and 30s. You don’t expect it at all, so you don’t take it for granted.

SS: Do the unexpected reactions from fans come because you have such a diverse body of work?

Stewart: That’s something that I’m really thankful for, because as an actor you want to do as many different things as you possibly can. I live vicariously through the characters; I get to be a Mac-10 wielding teenage, or I get to be a sweet innocent girl, or I get to go into outer space, or I get to be a cowgirl. I’m thrilled to be able to do the different types of things I do, and I hope I’m not pigeonholed. And that attracts such a diverse audience.

SS: What have you been doing recently?

Stewart: Recently I seem to be playing a lot of alcoholics! I’ve done two films recently, one for Lifetime and one for Hallmark, where I’m a middle-aged woman who drinks too much, which is actually a gas. I have so much fun playing that character. The Hallmark movie was called “The Class.” I play the wife of Eric Roberts – the unhappy wife of Eric Roberts, which drives me to drink. In every scene there’s a glass of wine in my hand. But of course I redeem myself in the end, because it is Hallmark, after all. I also just finished a movie called “A Christmas Snow,” which is a family Christmas movie, really a nice movie. I’m the lead in it, which is sort of unusual because I’m not the young little ingénue that I was. I play a character that hates Christmas, whose father left when she was young, which she’s never gotten over. Through the film you learn lessons of forgiveness and redemption, and in the end it’s a really lovely story. Not really a HorrorHound movie!

SS: Is there a big difference between making TV movies and feature films?

Stewart: I have found over the years that it is less and less different. Movies can be made so quickly and for very little money, which is kind of great. A TV movie has always had shorter schedules. Feature films have always taken longer. But the great thing about digital these days is that they don’t have to worry about takes anymore. As an actor, there’s a lot less pressure. Making a TV movie still doesn’t feel as grand as a feature, but they’re becoming similar.

SS: So what’s your take on the entirety of your career?

Stewart: I’m really thankful for it. I was so busy and had the greatest time in the 80’s and early 90’s. When I got married and started having babies, I kept working, but not as much. My priorities changed. My kids are now 13 and 16, and I’m really trying to get back into it again. It’s kind of a struggle to get back into it. Everyone thought I had just left the business, so you’ve got to work it to make the connections again. But I’ve had some success, and work begets work, so I’ve been doing okay. I’m so much luckier than so many actors.

SS: What scares you?

Stewart: You know what scares me? Tom Noonan scares the crap out of me! In “Manhunter,” that guy creeped me out so much. When I knew that I was gonna be [at a table] next to him, I was a little scared. But he’s a pussycat!

Tom Noonan: You gave me three questions, and you’ve been standing over there for 25 minutes!

SS: I couldn’t think of anything!

Stewart: You’re too intimidating! [Back on topic] If I’m gonna watch a horror movie, it has to be at home with the lights on, with my husband, because I get scared easily.

*Catherine Mary Stewart can be found at www.catherinemarystewart.net.*

* * *

Soon after this point, another voice boomed over the loudspeaker. This time it wasn’t announcing the arrival of another celebrity or issuing dire warnings against parking in fast-food lots, but stating that the convention halls were closing in 15 minutes. Shit. I still had work left to do. I looked around for Lloyd Kaufman and Joe Bob Briggs, but the former was still knuckle-deep in fans at the Troma Line and the latter was already being interviewed. So I decided to do a series of quick interviews with people I had already met. The first was a guy who spent the day hunched over a table, sculpting well-crafted figures from pop culture. Even as I talked to him, Clayguy continued to work.

* * *

*Barry Crawford, Sculptor*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Barry Crawford: My name is Barry Crawford; I am the owner and artist known as Clayguy. I’m here because I do about eight or nine of these shows each year, and I decided to come up to Indianapolis to see how this show was.

SS: What’s the process involved in making your sculptures?

Crawford: It starts with my original sculpture, then I make a rubber mold, and then I pour plastic into the mold, which is reusable. Then I turn them out in quantity. These are six to seven inches tall, and they’re caricatures of people from movies, TV shows, comic books and books.

SS: How long have you been doing this?

Crawford: I’ve been a sculptor since I was in preschool – of course we didn’t have preschool when I was that age. I’ve been doing these for over 30 years.

SS: Has this become a profitable business?

Crawford: It’s part time, it’s a hobby, but it is something that is profitable. It’s a lot of fun; I get to enjoy the weekend shows like this which I’d probably be attending anyway. This offsets my expenses, and I make a few dollars, too. Plus it’s a lot of fun to make these.

SS: What scares you?

Crawford: I’ve seen so many horror movies; they really don’t hold many thrills. Sometimes I get surprised and shocked by them, but not scared. What scares me is real life stuff: severe weather, catastrophes, things that are out of your control but not really man-made. The unexpected.

*Barry Crawford can be found at www.clayguy.com.*

* * *

The lightning round continued with Tom Morga, whom I knew from his role as the copycat Jason Voorhees in “Friday the 13th Part 5.”

* * *

*Tom Morga, Actor/Stuntman*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Tom Morga: My name is Tom Morga and I’m a stuntman. I did a lot of movies, including “Friday the 13th Part 5” where I played Jason and “Halloween 4” where I did the first half as Michael Myers.

SS: With “Part 5,” you were playing someone who was masquerading as Jason Voorhees. What was your take on coming in and altering the film series’ formula?

Morga: I didn’t have an opinion about it while we were doing it, because it was the same formula as a regular Jason movie. All the kills and all the action would be as if it were the real guy. There was no real different mindset to me.

SS: So only the twist at the end made it different?

Morga: It just made it different. There were two masks I would wear. In the dream sequence I would wear the real Jason mask.

SS: What has been the reaction to your role?

Morga: For a lot of people, the idea of a copycat murderer bothers them. Others still like the movie and the kills. Some have thought that “Five” is their favorite movie in and of itself, and some of them don’t consider it to be a real part of the series.

SS: What have you done beyond those films?

Morga: I’ve done lots of movies. I did “Jurassic Park,” and I spent about 20 years doing “Star Trek” movies. I started with the first movie, where I doubled Spock, and I worked on “Next Generation,” “Deep Space Nine,” “Voyager,” and “Enterprise,” so I have a lot of creatures and aliens that I’ve done in those shows.

SS: What are you working on now?

Morga: I’ve done a few TV shows. I’m working on “Castle,” a series that is on its second season. If “Pirates of the Caribbean” starts up again, I worked on the first three films, and hopefully I’ll be on the next one.

SS: What scares you?

Morga: Same things that scare everyone else!

* * *

The lightning round continued as I made my way back to the corner where Joe Bob Briggs and First Jason Ari Lehman were holding court. Briggs was still in the midst of his other interview and Lehman was busy with fans, so I looked over at the adjoining table, which was covered with images of an axe-wielding girl. Looked interesting.

* * *

*Herschel H. Zahnd III, Filmmaker*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Herschel H. Zahnd III: My name is Herschel Zahnd; I am the director of the feature film “Girl Number 3,” which is playing here at the festival and is the first feature film of my production company, Renegade Art Productions.

SS: What is the film about?

Zahnd: It’s about a young girl who is abducted on Halloween night on the way to a party. She runs afoul of some masked men; they take her to a warehouse and put her through a cult ritual. Through a nasty turn of events she is freed, gets a hold of an ax, and gives them 40 whacks!

SS: How influenced was your film by earlier female revenge stories like “I Spit on Your Grave?”

Zahnd: It’s very influenced by movies like “I Spit on Your Grave,” “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “High Tension,” any kind of survival/slasher movie. The actual film style is more influenced by Alfred Hitchcock. The movie is shot in black and white. The comic book that the movie is based on is in black and white. I felt as a director that we needed to keep that to stay true to the comic work.

SS: Did you make the comic yourself?

Zahnd: No. The comic was written by Nathan Thomas Milliner, who is the author of “The Malevolent,” which is a big indie comic. He did the screenplay and did several characters in the movie, and I took over and produced the film.

SS: What are you planning next?

Zahnd: We have several projects coming up. We’re working on another project called “The Trimmer,” which is going to be a really campy, “Evil Dead 2” type horror film about a killer gardener with a hedge trimmer. The production company is also working on a new play called “Freedom High.” We’ll be doing a test reading in the fall for production in 2011. And in October in Louisville, Kentucky, we will be producing “Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.”

SS: What scares you?

Zahnd: My wife! But in a good way.

* * *

The crowd in the corner finally left, and Ari Lehman was free to talk. He gestured wildly and spoke in exaggerated tones, lending no doubt to the idea that he really enjoyed being a part of horror movie history. At least in the context of HorrorHound Weekend and other such conventions, people such as Lehman and Hare Krishna Zombie have turned relatively small movie parts into big notoriety. Yet having played the first Jason Voorhees, the malformed kid who leaps out of Crystal Lake in the first “Friday the 13th” film, Lehman seems to have taken it further, making his hot minute of film lore into a huge part of his life.

* * *

*Ari Lehman, Actor, Musician*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Ari Lehman: My name is Ari Lehman, and I am the first Jason Voorhees from “Friday the 13th,” here, at HorrorHound Weekend in Indianapolis, because the friends and fans of Jason Voorhees mean more to me than life itself.

SS: How did jumping out of a lake dressed like a half-rotted mongoloid affect the rest of your life?

Lehman: In fact, when I did it, it was a fun summer job. I was very fortunate to be able participate with the greatness of Tom Savini and Sean Cunningham.

SS: How old were you at the time?

Lehman: I was only 14 years old. It was a great honor and a great opportunity. But let’s look at the image of the pond and the water, of all that decaying vegetation, of the mother image, of the girl in a boat image, the decapitation. There’s so much there. The first “Friday the 13th” is mythological, and it has so much room for expansion. I want to let all the fans know, there’s more coming to this story. Every story has a beginning, and that story will be told.

SS: And how do you fit into that?

Lehman: I wish I could tell you, but let’s just say this: all signs are good, and all systems are go for something that will satisfy that need in the fans to understand the origins of this wonderful character. They’ve never told how he made this transformation, why he behaves the way he does.

SS: Tell me about your band, “First Jason.”

Lehman: I’ve been a musician all my life. First Jason is a punk/metal band; we play all over the United States and Europe. I just returned from Spain, where we played at the Festival de Cine de Terror in Barcelona. I just did a singing presentation – a concert and a finale – at the Fantasy Horror Awards last weekend in Italy, where I presented gold awards to Dario Argento, Robert Englund, and many more. That was a lot of fun.

SS: So when did you first learn to tickle the ivories like a mad motherfucker?

Lehman: Thank you! When I was a kid. The same time I was being little Jason.

SS: What else has been happening?

Lehman: I’ve been participating in many independent films, most notably “Vampira: the Movie.” I did the soundtrack. First Jason has been an element, but working on soundtracks has been another. Also acting in independent films like “Terror Overload.”

SS: What scares you?

Lehman: Alienation.

*Ari Lehman can be found at www.firstjason.com.*

* * *

The voice on the loudspeaker returned and announced the end. The convention hall was now closed. Joe Bob Briggs was still being interviewed, so I figured that my chances of getting to talk to him were a wash. I walked back to the center of the room, hoping to find Lloyd Kaufman and get an education on things Bizarro. The line at the Troma booth was fading, and after he spent a few minutes talking to Catherine Mary Stewart, he was ready to talk.

As could be guessed from the many movie introductions he’s produced for Troma, Kaufman likes to get other people into the act. Well, that, and he’s a hilarious ham. While we were getting ready to start, he saw Louise Robey, star of the “Friday the 13th” television series, and pulled her into our conversation. Later on, Joe Bob Briggs himself walked past us, and Lloyd roped him into our circle of madness as well.

What follows is a work of joyous chaos. It makes no sense. There are no points made. No ideas are being advanced. But it is without a doubt the best way I could have ended HorrorHound Weekend.

* * *

*Louise Robey, Actress, Joe Bob Briggs, Drive-Thru Master, Lloyd Kaufman, Film Legend, and the Gay Boy of Tromaville*

Second Supper: Who are you and why are you here?

Louise Robey: I’m the Countess of Burford, and I’m here because I exist. [From here, Robey and Kaufman launch into an extended conversation in French. The only thing I can make out is when Kaufman mentions a Chevrolet Coupe Deville and Charles de Gaulle. I suspect that Kaufman might be bullshitting his French, but if he is he does so convincingly.]

Lloyd Kaufman: Next question!

SS: So I write a review column called “Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre.” You can pretty much assume what it’s about. Turn me onto some movies.

Robey: I know Hugh Hefner, and I go to his Sunday night things all the time.

Kaufman: [Growing progressively more French] Hugh Hefner is a fucking dick! I hate Hugh Hefner! So fuck him!

Robey: Well, Dino de Laurentiis…

Kaufman: Oh, he’s cool…

Robey: He wanted me to be in a movie, and I turned him down. I was very young. I said: “It’s a bit naughty, this movie!”

Kaufman: Well, you had been in the Roman Polanski Quaalude movie, so I don’t blame you for turning him down.

Robey: How do you know Roman?

Kaufman: How do I know him? He tried to give me Quaaludes! I refused! I wouldn’t do it. I was 13 at the time.

SS: You were just an innocent young lady.

Kaufman: I was an innocent young woman at the time. Gyno. We say gyno-american. Louise! What else have you been working on, besides your chateau? Chateau in French means cake, by the way.

Robey: It means very old house. I write songs, and I produce songs…

Kaufman: Wow! Here’s the young Gay Boy from Tromaville!

Gay Boy of Tromaville: I am the Gay Boy from Tromaville.

Kaufman: Tell us what’s new in the gay world of Tromaville.

Gay Boy: “The Killer Condom” is an inspirational movie, not only a philosophy but a state of life.

Kaufman: And who made the special effects? H.R. Giger, who made the special effects for “Alien!”

SS: How does the Roman Catholic Church feel about killer condoms?

Gay Boy: Actually, I am Catholic. We feel extremely great about it! Couldn’t be better.

Kaufman: And thank you to the Pope, who has done so much to protect the children from the Catholic priests. He’s a real brave Pope. He and Hugh Hefner are the same hypocritical, well, anyway…

Robey: You want to be Hugh! You want to be him!

Kaufman: I wouldn’t shit on Hugh Hefner! The only reason I bought Playboy stock was because I was hoping he’d die and the stock would go up.

Robey: You bought Playboy stock?

Kaufman: Stupidly. And he won’t die! I lost a huge amount of money.

Robey: It’s bankrupt! You know that?

Kaufman: When I bought it, it wasn’t. And stupid me, because he’ll never die! God dammit!

SS: What’s new in the Troma world?

Kaufman: We have a very good blu-ray we’ve just put out. Actually it’s a brown-ray called “Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.” I’m working on my seventh book “Sell Your Own Damn Movie.”

[Suddenly, a round of applause bursts out behind us, and Joe Bob Briggs arrives on the scene.]

Kaufman: Hey! You should interview this guy! Bobby!

Robey: [To Briggs, taking note of his cowboy shirt] Do you ride horses?

Kaufman: He rides pen and pencil and paper! He rides words!

Robey: So do I! I’m a writer and producer.

SS: Mr. Briggs, what does Troma mean to you?

Joe Bob Briggs: Troma is the essence of the three Bs: blood, breasts, and beasts. They have all of those three, in enormous quantities, in every film they’ve ever made. I can’t say that about any other company.

SS: Were there breasts in “Cannibal: The Musical?”

Kaufman: Yes, but they were eaten! So you didn’t see them. But Joe Bob Briggs was very responsible for discovering Troma, many years ago, when we were shunned. We’re still shunned, but at least Joe Bob Briggs appreciated us.

SS: [To Briggs] So what have you been up to lately?

Briggs: I’m here, doing the convention.

SS: Any writings or film commentaries coming out?

Briggs: I’ve got 12 commentaries that I’ve done, and lots of books, and lots of other projects.

SS: So what scares each of you?

Kaufman: Hilary Clinton scares me! I’m Lloyd Kaufman, failed filmmaker for 35 years!

Briggs: Lloyd scares me. [Lloyd screams.]

Robey: I don’t know any of these people. What scares me is my ex-husband, who wrote Shakespeare!

* * *

And with that, I left the Marriott and returned to my crappy motel across the street, satisfied. I spent the next few hours transferring all these interviews to my computer, watching TV movies in the meantime. After that, I went to a liquor store, filled a Burger King cup with screwdrivers that were half vodka, and got triumphantly drunk.

I left my motel room and began walking back to the Marriott when I saw someone I recognized outside a room opposite mine. It was the frazzled green goblin I had seen the night before, hanging outside with his face paint (almost) scrubbed off. Introducing himself as Freakshow, he invited me into his room, and together with his partner, by day a fetish-dressed lady named June “The Meat” Cleaver, we talked about the convention. They were in town covering the event for www.madisonhorror.com.

“Hey, do you want to do an interview with us?” Freakshow asked.

I swayed on my feet, for some reason unwilling to sit down, but barely able to stand up. “I think I’m done,” I said.


The Marriott remained in high spirits when I came back some time later. My cohorts were lurking around the lobby, but I heard tell of a mass hula-hoop demonstration in the depths of the hotel, so my friend and I ditched the entrance. We weren’t disappointed. The giant hallway was packed with people spinning rings around their waists, while Mister Hamilton looked on and performed a trick or two. I briefly spotted Ari Lehman in the mass, but my focus fell on a girl whose butt was turning purple from a violent spanking she was receiving at the hands of another girl. I tried my hand (and hips) at hula-hoop, but I was as inept as I’d always been.

The night wore on and the crowd wore out, and soon I was one of the last people in the halls. At this point I looked out into the hotel courtyard, where amidst a sudden rainstorm, a luminous fountain cascaded water down a giant staircase. I had to climb it. Stripping down to my underwear, I ignored the rain and leaped into the pond, climbed up the stairs and bellowed like King Kong. Pleased with myself, I soon decided to head back to my room, and I walked across the street, barefoot in the rain.

The ultimate result? I was very, very sick for two weeks. But I regret nothing!


We cleared out of the motel early the next morning, having decided that the long drive ahead didn’t leave us with any time to take in Sunday’s festivities. We had seen all that we needed to see. The drive home was one of contented fulfillment – well, until we had to drive through Gary again.

Oh, the horror of Gary.

* * *

For pictures of the event, go to www.facebook.com/Ymarksthespot